kinda depressed rn but aite

its weird I Feel like all my friends hate me an im just seen as annoying . i mean like its ok they have there own stuff going on with they girlfriends and stuff, and their hobbies, i dont want to be a burden on anyone. but it feels like no matter the amount of reassurance it wont stop my constant fear of being left, of being forgotten. its hard to come to terms with that and bein able to miss out, to see things from afar. i got my license tho to drive so thats cool. i also applied for school photographer i hope i get the position. i been sad i havent made music in so long i dont know why im just depressed as fuck. i lift weights, i run, i do my school but i still feel sad. i got rejected and lead on again recently i dont know why i keep trying to get a girl. its so weird, u feel empty like u never had that kind of acceptance or intimacy from anyone else and the only way to have that connection is through a romantic relationship. im not even horny for any of that bs i just wanna hold a girls hand and walk around or be honest with someone and have them be honest. hear they dreams while u tell them urs. i honestly kind of want to kill my self but i wont do it obviously. i try to tell my friends but then i remember how they have had way worse problems so i just feel bad even bringing up shit like this. why would i force them to listen to me? i had a friend who i literally almost saw overdose and cut himself like a lot. i had a friend who has the worst ocd ive ever heard of. it also feels like if i do open up they'll just leave. or if i ask for help. i remember as a kid i didnt have many friends at recess, i was bullied by my now best friend through out middle school and always seen as the "lowest" or the least important. i was never accepted and that fear was just instilled into me and taught to me which kept these problems. i cant stand anymore having all the space in my mind be filled with worry and fears of abandonement or having my head hurt all the time because of my jaw problems. or just playing a role at school even though i dont want to. 

if im gone oneday this is probably why. crazy how nobody will ever see this either just another dude spinning down a dark hole.