people say as you get older you will only have your perceptions, goals and ideals change, but i feel that i am cheating myself. i remember how starry and bright eyed i used to be of the future, the endless possibility of what i could achieve, now i kind of just sit in my room and kill the time. i use an amazingly well calculated set of excuses such as childhood drama and drug addiction, people wronging me, my parents upbringing of me to myself and other people, just to avoid the truth that what ive been searching for has been here the whole time since its inception. it feels like ive done a huge figure 8 back to where i began.
i used to think i would be famous, i used to think i would make music for a living and create beautiful orchestrations that would have peoples arm hair raise. i've fallen victim to the belief that everything happens for a reason, and surely it does in a way. but that feels so, latent. it feels so, forced to believe something like that. theres two ways of believing something such as that which only the person who believes it can understand. nobody can tell you, or whoever this person is why they believe it, and if they choose to lie to themselves, then their journey of discovery is not yet finished! that is okay, but we must truly look inside to find this intention. so that comes back to me, do i really believe things happen for a reason, or am i just finding a way to justify avoiding giving my all.
right now ive got two paths, two passions and two realities. but unfortunately this life does not care for people which have versatility. success if qualitative, pursuit is too. i cant keep half-assing two things, i need to choose one. to psychology, ill always love you; but to music i love you more.
i dont really want to blame everything for not pursuing what i care about when im older. i dont want to be a toronto old head on the train, 45 degree angled cap tilted slightly to the right, talking about the good old days. of course i have major respect for these people, but i cannot make the same mistakes they did. not trying the most i could have. the pursuit of music feels so real, so raw and passionate i cannot articulate it, and maybe thats the point. a friend of mine to whom i will call "z" once told me, "you must be very careful about who you tell your ambitions to", he is right. people have their own perceptions, fears and ways of upbringing which of course, they may not have complete control over, or may not have complete understanding of why they do such things, and may project such feelings onto you. most of the time we really dont have the self awareness to understand why they say these things in those moments, or have the awareness to know that it should knock us, but it does.
sometimes i used to wish i could wake up and never feel or know that i even cared about music, that i was just like my brother, or the guy sitting next to me in my MATH135 class who scored top 500 in the Putnam. sometimes i look into my future and just know, that i wont be alive in the next 20 years if i dont do what i was put here to do. i want to kill myself, most of the time, but that is what keeps me going ironically. knowing that i could quit just one full pill bottle away? it really shows you how easy it is to poke a hole through the quilt of life, how easy it is to tear apart the walls and see that there is nothing else but, THIS.
ive got the final math test of my semester at 5:30PM and its 3:48PM right now. a biology midterm tomorrow at 11AM. a math midterm on monday, and a whole lot more meaningless classwork. meaningless to me, even with its abundance of beautiful information up for grabs.
i applied to UofT, and if i get in that is my sign from god, and from everything to go for what i believe in and to stop half assing everything else. i wont let people drag me down, i wont let myself make excuses and i will do everything in my power to do what i was put here to do. i cannot stay at waterloo, and by the psychoanalytic case study i once read that said "people put themselves in positions they are miserable in so they can prove that they are the masters of their misery", i wont be like that, i wont fucking let myself be like that. to me waterloo represents that safe path that i want to become a master of, the safety my immigrant parents conditioned me to operate for. i wont let myself say i had the potential to do what it is i wanted, or to say that i was always misunderstood, ive seen what miserable lives people like that lead. i wont use my diagnoses as a an excuse and go larp on reddit. i will achieve peace, i will find home again. i am already great, and so are my friends. i hope they too realize the reasons for their misery are too, self-imposed.
goodbye cruel world, ill see you in the morning.
